Bella's Human Life
by hst441
Summary: AU Post New Moon- The Cullens' leave and never return, (no friendship with Jacob). Edward leaves so Bella can have a normal human life. So she does, its just not the life he imagined for her. Warning- Adult themes, mention of drug use, rape; suicide.
1. Chapter 1

It was a cold night in Seattle, I'd been sleeping at the bus shelter for the past couple of nights, but it was time to move on. Summer was easier for those who like me, were homeless, and it was easier to find places outdoors that could be used for a place to sleep for the night. But the weather was changing, and I'd need to find somewhere indoors for the Winter, or move to one of the more popular (and therefore more populated), and sheltered areas.

Each of these options had its own risks and rewards. Option A usually had costs, or rules attached- most shelters would only allow you to stay a certain number of nights, and were strict on "prohibited substance use". On the other hand, there was regular food, hot showers and physical safety- especially at the women only shelters. Option B there was no time limit (unless the cops moved you on) so if you find a good spot you were pretty much guaranteed to know you neighbours for the whole time you were there. That in itself offered its own form of safety. There was more freedom- I could come and go as I pleased, and no one would look down on you for being high, most of the time, people were willing to share with you, as long as you paid back in kind. The downside was safety was not guaranteed and sometimes, especially as a female, I had to pay for the privilege by sharing someone's sleeping bag. There was also increased risk of theft; I didn't have much left from my life before, but the few items I did have I wanted to hang on to.

After a few years on the street, I'd given both of these options a try, but I was no closer to determining which way was the best one to go. I picked up my backpack and started walking south. My backpack contained my whole life- a travel-sized blanket I kept rolled up tight, a couple of long sleeved shirts, 2 pairs of socks, 2 beanies and a pair of gloves, a toothbrush, hairbrush and a couple of elastics, and my wallet which held no cash, but did have my ID, a couple of small photos and _his_ note, that to this day I still couldn't get rid of. I wore my only coat and pair of jeans. My sneakers were in desperate need of replacement, so I would swing by one of the charities in the next day or so to pick up a replacement pair. I wasn't fussy on what I would get- I was more than grateful that I had an option.

I was heading towards one of the underpasses I had slept under previously, kicking a couple of rocks along the way. I liked this spot, there was a good mix of women and men, and was relatively safe. Cops never cleared people away and it was a good spot when the weather wasn't freezing. During the dead of Winter there would be too much wind, but for tonight- cool, but not icy yet- there be a few of us, maybe a fire or two going, and perhaps some booze to share, if people were feeling generous. There was also a chance that the one person I could remotely call a friend would be there. Lexi was a few years younger than me and had been on the streets for longer than I had. She was a complicated mix of fragility and strength, anger and sadness. I admired her greatly for ability to survive this hard life whilst still retaining her sweetness and compassion. I hoped she would be there tonight as it had been a few weeks since I had seen her last, but I wasn't going to get my hopes up. We sometimes went months without crossing paths, but eventually we would find each other again.

Lexi was one of the first people I ever met once I joined the ranks of the city's vagrants. It was a night like this one, about three years ago. I'd just been kicked out of my last apartment and had no idea what I was doing so I just kept walking around the city center. It was 2am and I was dead on my feet, but I kept walking. I could see that there were a few people sitting on the bench who I could tell were homeless like me, but I kept going wide rather than walk close to them. Even though I had no home of my own I was apprehensive to go near these people who I thought might be dangerous. Another hour of walking around and I couldn't walk any further. I dropped down near the edge of the park, away from the loud group people and in an area with no streetlight. I was just drifting off, with my backpack on my lap, and my upper body leaning against a tree when I was startled awake by the sound of someone approaching. I couldn't make out who it was yet, and I was panicking. I couldn't hear the group from before and I was completely alone. I was nearly hyperventilating, feeling around on the ground nearly to try and grab a decent sized rock that I could use as a makeshift weapon. I could finally make out her silhouette when I first heard her snort derisively at me. "You're new to this, aren't you?"

I tried to answer her, but my mouth was so dry I'm sure I ended up looking like a gaping fish with no sound coming out.

"Come on, you can't stay here. No light means you can't see who could sneak up on you and with no lights, there's no chance of witnesses so arseholes are more likely to bother you." She held out a hand to me, I could still barely see her face, but her eyes were reflecting the little light there was, and I could see that there was empathy and kindness in them. I grabbed her hand and let her pull me up.

"Come with me, I'm heading over to Miller Street, there a couple of benches there we can use."

On the walk she gave a class on 'Homeless 101'. Good places to sleep, places to avoid, where to get a hot shower and good food, a few names to remember of those who are good to get to know and a longer list of those I should avoid. I was still shocked from the sleep deprivation and the fact I ended up in this position in the first place, but I managed to remember a lot of what she told me that night, and my first few months on the street weren't nearly s bad as they could have been. We parted ways in the morning, Lexi heading out to find a coffee and some food, myself heading west towards a shelter where she said I could pick up a blanket and some clean socks. The next time I saw her was 2 months later at the same place I was headed tonight. I was standing close to one of the fires, trying to keep warm when Lexi came up and stood next to me. "Glad to see you're still alive. Chances are if you've made it this long, you'll be around for a while yet." I was both proud, and disappointed at her comment. I didn't know why I continued living but no matter how much I hated my existence, I could ever take my own life, knowing Charlie would be called to identify the body. I still can't decide if that made me a coward or not.

As I walked up down towards the underpass, I could see that there was a large group tonight. My eyes did a brief sweep of those present and I relaxed slightly. Most were faces I knew and there were none of those I could identify as dangerous. It looked like there was smokes and some spoons and needles being passed around, and I immediately perked up. I was out of everything and hoped that they wouldn't mind sharing it around to one more.

I sat down next to Marty and Kev, taking my backpack off and placing it beside me, and greeting them as I did so. "Hey Bella" they returned. These two were in their late 20s, and had been kicked out of home for having a relationship together, after a few weeks on the street they got hooked to H and now they were lifers. Like me.

"Who have we got here tonight?"

"Just the usual Bells." Marty answered. He was the talkative one of the pair. "Nancy and Jess said they might be here tonight- looks like it's gonna be a younger crowd."

I nodded and grabbed the bottle that Marty was offering me offering my thanks. I took a deep sip and passed it back. Whiskey. I didn't want to know where they got it, or what they had to do to get it, but I was grateful they were offering to share it with me tonight.

"Got anything to eat Bells?" Kev asked.

I opened my bag and grabbed the couple of sandwiches I had on top I had picked up from the outreach van this morning. I wasn't in the mood for food tonight, especially since I knew there was booze and other drugs about. I wanted to feel their full effects. Kev muttered his thanks as he took them, unwrapping one and sharing it with Marty. We passed the bottle back and forth a few times and I could slowly feel a pleasant buzz coming on. I wasn't a big alcohol drinker and I could appreciate the effect rather quickly compared to some of the others. The fact that I was very thin and barely ate also meant that it went to work on me quicker than on the guys. My usual drugs of choice were intravenous, and as the night went on Marty Kev and I ended up sharing some H. it was the only thing that gave me any relief from the pain in my chest, that I still carried to this day, some 5 and a bit years later.

I was rather bleary eyed when I finally woke up in the morning, still feeling the effects of everything we had last night. I looked around. The fires were out, and everyone was either sleeping or shuffling around. Marty and Kev were cuddled up together to my left; I was spooning my backpack. This was how I usually woke up. The only time I woke up in someone's arms was when I had to sleep with them to guarantee my safety for the night, or to pay for the drugs I had taken. I still wasn't a complete addict- I only occasionally slept with someone for money or H, but I still would use at least once or twice a week. I made sure I stayed on top of my hygiene and ate at least once every day or so. It was a hard line to walk- trying to not let myself go completely, but so tempted to just give up and not care at all.

AN- This was a short story I've had in my head for a while and thought it would be a good introduction to the world of FF. I'm starting to work on some longer pieces so I'll start putting those up shortly.


	2. Chapter 2

I sat up and looked around. Looks like Lexi didn't show last night, but given the group I'll probably come back for another night or two before moving on to somewhere a bit more permanent. Hopefully she'd come around and I could catch up with her. She always had the most useful gossip. Where the trouble makers were camped out, where the best place would be for the Winter. I don't know how she collected all the information, but you could get more out of a 5 minute conversation with Lexi than you could in a week by yourself.

I decided to head up to one of the charity day houses where I could do some laundry, take a shower and check my email. it was the only contact I allowed myself to have with my former life. Charlie and Renee would still email me at least once a month. Most of the time I wouldn't answer, but I would try to reply a couple of times a year, so they would know I was still alive. It was another fine line that I walked. As I read their messages of love and acceptance, I would feel so ashamed and guilty for all the worry I put them through, but also comforted that there was at least two people in the world who would miss me when I was gone. In one way I knew that I was waiting for them both to stop writing. The day they stopped caring, or passed on I would finally give myself permission to go too.

I stepped out of the shower, towel drying my hair. I kept it short these days, so it was easier to look after, and was more forgiving if I went a day or two longer than I should without washing, or brushing it. As I put on a fresh shirt, I got out my dirty laundry to wash. As I did so I took out my wallet and opened it up. My eyes started to fill as I looked at the photo of Charlie, Renee and I at my high school graduation. That day was my only memory of having both my parents together with me. I flipped the photo over and looked through the back window to the small piece of paper I couldn't live without. It was the only thing I had left from _him_. I could feel the edges of the hole in my chest throbbing as I tried to not remember, and not forget the day he gave it to me. Be Safe. I had read those two little words more times over the years then I had read any other text. I didn't know how they translated to my life these day, but I liked to pretend that _he_ still cared enough to be proud of the way I avoided most of the bad things that were out there. I no longer heard his voice in my head, so this note was the only way I kept myself sane. Knowing that I didn't make everything up, and there was a reason my life turned out this way.

While the washing was on I checked my email on one of the computers in the main room. There was a new one from Renee. She and Phil were still in Florida, and enjoying their life. I knew my mum missed me, but I couldn't help but feel like it was the right decision that I removed myself from her life so I couldn't hold back her happiness anymore. Last time I saw her was my graduation. She was so proud of me and wanted to spend time with me, but every time she her eyes glazed over you could tell she was feeling a pull back to Phil and the sun. She couldn't cope with the Zombie Bella (even a graduated one)- she wasn't strong enough for that, and I both hated and was thankful that was her last living memory of me. After all, what would she say if she could see me now.

Just before I got kicked out my dorm room I sent her a photo one of the college friends had taken in which I was smiling and looked happy. I was off my face in that picture and couldn't even remember it being taken, but you couldn't really tell in the photo, so I sent it to her so she would have that as her last memory of how I looked. I failed out of college not a week after it was taken.

I decided to reply to her today. The last time I returned an email to either of them was before the Summer, and her missive was basically a page of begging for a response. My messages to her and Charlie were always full of lies. I had a good life, I had a job, I had friends, I would try and visit soon. Never any details, never any names, no way for her to track me down. The only truth was in my parting line, the same for every email. I was sorry and I loved her, Bella. I hated sending these, but it made me feel worse when I didn't.

Obligations met and clothes now dry, and I packed up and headed back to the underpass. I picked up some more sandwiches and a bottle of water from the outreach van to give to Mary and Kev, I even managed to find a couple of dollars in the gutter and a newspaper in a bin which I picked up to take with me.

When I arrived it was just getting dark. I added the newspapers to the pile of fire feed next to one of the bins. And went back to my spot next to Kev and Marty. I could tell they hadn't moved all day. They'd probably used most of their stash, and hadn't eaten all day. I passed them my sandwiches which they acknowledged without speaking. I could tell thy were both really high, so I didn't expect much talking to happen tonight and I doubted they would actually eat. The mood was more subdued tonight, conversations quieter, and people huddling in smaller groups, taking comfort from those they were closest to.

About an hour later, Lexi arrived. I could tell she was in a bad way tonight. She was stumbling and muttering to herself. I had only seen her like this a few times, but whenever I did I knew she was in for a rough night. As she got closer, she recognised me, veering off course to sit down next to me. She lowered herself down the concrete wall and rested her head against my shoulder. She was looking thinner and more bruised up than normal. Sleeping rough you always had bruises and scrapes on you, but Lexi had some on her neck and collarbone and a split lip.

We didn't speak to each other, instead using a presence to reaffirm our connection. I offered her my other sandwich and water bottle. She grabbed the water and took a sip. We both sat there leaning into each other staring at the fire. I wanted to know what happened to her, but truthfully I already knew. Rape wasn't something that we talked out loud about, but it had happened to nearly everyone at some point, even me. It came with our lifestyle. I was slightly surprised that Lexi was the victim this time, she always had a knack for avoiding the dangerous ones, but I guess that even the best of us could be caught unawares. At the same time I was surprised, I knew it probably wasn't the first time for her, and I also knew it wouldn't make her feel better to relive it. I still couldn't bear to think about my own experiences with it, so instead we sat and looked into the flames while the others gave her a wide berth and avoided their eyes out of respect and support. After al, it was both the most and the least they could do for her.

The first were burning low when she spoke for the first time, her voice barely above a whisper "Why do we do it Bella? Why do we keep going?"

It was a question I often asked myself. Why would anyone want our lives? What good came from holding on? I knew I had my reasons for not giving up yet, but I could fathom why Lexi would. Marty and Kev had each other, but Lexi was always alone, just like me. I answered her truthfully. It was always the truth for Lexi. The complete, and honest truth, anything less and I wouldn't deserve her friendship.

"I don't have a good reason Lex, I just do. I don't want my parents to have to identify me. Once they go though…."

"Always the selfless one, Bella." Lexi replied.

The conversation lulled again, and we slowly drifted off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke in the morning spooning my backpack again. Lexi had disappeared sometime in the night. I decided to wander down towards through city centre. Stores were starting to put up their Thanksgiving displays, and I always liked to imagine what it would be like to be one of those people, walking around, shopping for their loved ones with a smile on their face.

I had stayed out later than I thought, missing the outreach van. I used the change I had scrounged yesterday to get a cheap coffee from the closest take away restaurant to see me through the night. As I returned I noticed that no one was speaking a word. Marty and Kev, were in their usual spot, a change of clothing told me that they had gone out during the day. As I moved toward them I tried to decipher the look on their faces. Their eyes were wide, faces pale, they looked like someone had died. I looked around and saw the same look on the rest of the faces present. Oh crap, someone probably had died, it would be the first. We were no strangers to death when then cold, violence or drugs could take anyone of us at any moment. Marty and Kev looked into my face, you could tell they were reluctant to tell me what happened. I took pity on them "Who was it?" I asked quietly.

Marty looked like he was close to tears, so Kev answered me for once. "It was Lexi, Bella. After she left here, she went to see some of the guys of 5th. You know what the stuff is like. It looked like she took a lot, Bells, a lot more than she usually takes, anyway. I don't think she wanted to come back from it."

I was in shock. I knew after last night she was in a bad place. But Lexi was so damn tough! If she couldn't survive this life, how could the rest of us?

I picked up my bag and left into the night. I went down to the harbor and sat on the pier staring over the water, thinking about her life. Lexi was such a courageous person. I had no doubt that she went on her own terms. Life was so hard, she tried to overcome it but in the end, she decided to go out on her terms. There was a lot of courage in that, being brave enough to follow through. The thought that I could do the same was freeing, but wasn't sure I would back out of it if I had the chance.

I kicked of my shoes, looking around to make sure there were no witnesses. I opened my bag for the last time and removed the piece of paper from my wallet. It was the only item I wanted to take with me. Lowering self into the water, I decided to swim, as far as I could. That way, when I finally got tired there'd be no way for me to turn around. The best part of this plan was that my body would be swept away, and Charlie and Renee would never have to identify me. They wouldn't even know to start looking for the next 6 months at least.

As the burn in my lungs finally overtook the pain in my chest I allowed myself to remember all that I hadn't allowed myself to think about for the last 5 and half years. Every moment, every kiss, every smile, every touch. As I went under I had the first genuine smile on my face since the day before my 18th birthday.


	4. Chapter 4

Epilogue

Charlie POV

"Thanks for coming Chief Swan"

"Thanks for calling me. You said you have word about Bella?"

I had been trying to make contact again with Bells since she disappeared almost three years ago. After her horrible breakup with that boy, I was beside myself. I knew she was hurting so badly, but I could tell she was trying. She would still cook and clean. Her grades at school were good, but she was just empty. I hoped that after she went off to college she would experience enough of life that she would come back to us. Instead sending her off to was one of the worst decisions I ever made. Bella wanted to stay around Forks but I was contacted by her careers adviser four months out from graduation, letting me know that despite her good academic record, she still was yet to apply anywhere. Her knew of her circumstances and encouraged me to send in some applications on her behalf as there were a few places with deadlines open. I was so pleased the day her acceptance to Seattle University arrived, but when I told her, her face fell. "You want me to go?" She asked me in a small voice. "Of course I don't want you to leave Bells, but you deserve this. You need to go and experience life. You can't stay in Forks and do nothing with your life. Please Bells, go to college, go for me". She looked so beaten as she nodded her head in acceptance. "OK Dad. For you." That was one of the last conversations I had with her, the final one being when hugged me goodbye as she jumped in her truck, promising to contact me as soon as she could.

Other than an email once every 6 months with barely any information in it at all, I hadn't heard anything from Bella again. Renee and I didn't even know she had failed out of college until we received a call from her dorm supervisor asking us to collect her things. Bella had packed a bag, and left everything else behind. Billy asked some of the boys from the Rez came to help me pack everything up. I couldn't understand how she could simply disappear. I brought everything back and left it boxed up in her room, hoping that she would someday return for it all, if not for me. After I collected her things I called all the stations I knew, letting them know that if they ever come across anything to do with Bella, to call me immediately.

The officer returned with a plain black backpack in his hands. "This was found down by the Harbor, we think it belongs to Bella. It had her identification in it."

I took the bag and search through the contents. There was nothing and everything in there- a small blanket, clothing, a hairbrush, tooth brush, and a wallet. I knew the type of pack, she'd been sleeping rough, and by the condition of the bag and the clothes, I'd say she probably has been since she left university. "Oh Bells".

I opened the wallet. Her student ID, her old bank card from Forks, and one photo, from her graduation.

"I'm sorry, Chief. We search the nearby area, but there was no trace of her. No one has seen her either. We'll keep looking though."

I thanked the officer, taking her possessions home with me. I wanted to hope but I knew that if she gave up the last of her belongings that she was never coming back to me.

I drove back to Forks as slow as I could, reminiscing on a lifetime of memories of Bella.

EPOV

Family Christmas

This was the first year that we had gathered since we left Forks. Rose and Emmett were upstairs unpacking after their last jaunt around in Europe.

Alice and Jasper were placing presents under the tree, Carlisle and Esme embracing each other on the sofa. All their thoughts were focused on how content they were feeling now they their family back together again.

And they were right, to an extent. This was the closest it had felt to being _normal_ again, but to there would always be someone missing. My Bella. I loved her, so much, and the hole in my chest proved it.

The only way I was coping with her absence was by imaging what she would be doing right now- perhaps she was sitting around a fireplace in her own home, maybe with a husband and children. I knew I could never look in on her; as soon as I did so the temptation would be too great, and I would return. But I could imagine it with such clarity it had to be true, she was such a good and beautiful person, that there was no way she deserved less than a long and happy human life.

"Merry Christmas, Edward." I turned toward Alice, who was looking at me with a sad smile. She and I were the ones who mourned her absence the most. She could always tell when I was thinking about my love.

"Merry Christmas, Alice."

In my mind I whispered, 'Merry Christmas, Bella, my absence was the best present I could give you.' And I felt good knowing that I had finally done a soul redeeming and noble deed. I gave her a future.


End file.
